Don't give me medicine

The first month of 2009 has passed through and has left me feeling unexcited and emotionless towards 2009. What a depressing first sentence to a blog you say. Rather i will look at this sentence and see the potential that i have not reached yet. Things have been going very slowly lately. There has been much going on in this first month that have slowed and misdirected the by product that is happiness. But i am constantly striving for that better day. Thus i have created my monthly goals list; starting on Sunday the 1^st of February (I wrote this blog a while ago). There are 11 goals that i can accomplish in just one day and many a week in week out goals. But i intend to stick to them. They include stuff for my health, stuff for others, but mostly things that i want to accomplish. The feeling of accomplishment is one of my favourite feelings, you are proud of yourself, your creations, what you have achieved that you really worked hard for. January saw me sit on my arse, get sick, argue with people, winge ALOT about things which could have been handled better. I feel it’s a good thing to pick apart the things i have done wrong this month and really re-assess my life. It’s been a while now since i have sat down with me myself and i and thought through the aspects of myself i admire or the aspects i need to work on. People may say that i shouldn’t bring myself down like this, but to really know yourself is to work better at being who you want to be. I want to be kinder. I want to get the patience i have lost over these last 3 months back. I don’t feel as emotionally stable as i want to be of late. I really feel as though the things i am doing to my body play a big part in this. The more crap and junk i cram down my mouth and the slacker i become the more i allow myself to get angry, have a short patience and not like who i am in general because im not doing what i really want. I want to inspire myself again not sitting round waiting for it to happen. I want to kick myself into gear.

I have made so many mistakes in the last month than i thought or planned i would (not that you plan to make mistakes) I have hurt some people that i didn't realise i was even hurting. I have been incredibly selfish. I am now scared, scared that the damage i have done will not be repairable, but everyone is being so positive around me it's hard to believe in the negative results that are running thru my head.

February started not so well yesterday, a mistake made again. It's hard to pull yourself out of a rutt, out of habit. I give people advice on issues with their life all the time but never give myself the same advice. Bad habits i must fix will be fixed. Not for anyone but myself.

I will do better things.